How to set personal boundaries to ensure wellness

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Here are ways to set personal boundaries that ensure wellness

The health costs of not setting boundaries

In families, workplaces and community settings, we celebrate the “go to” person who always has the solution and seems exceptionally helpful. In collectivist cultures where the needs of the group or community are valued, this role is sometimes played by the eldest child or head of the household.

At one of the workshops I hosted, one of the participants mentioned; “If you are the father of the house, you have to keep it together.” Another commented; “I have to do this for my mother - I am the eldest child.”

But what is the impact on the person who constantly gives of themselves to others? What are they sacrificing to be so readily available? Whether it’s always saying yes to family, partners, friends, or at work, the inability to set boundaries inevitably affects their health and well-being.

What prevents us from putting in boundaries?

Taegan Devar, is an industrial psychologist and the managing director of PeopleSmart. Image supplied

What do you feel when you have to discuss boundaries at home or work? If you’re like me, it often involves guilt or shame about not wanting to let others down, not wanting those I care about to feel they can't depend on me or fearing that I am being selfish.

Workshop participants have also expressed a fear of the consequences or found the conversation so difficult that they avoided it altogether.

Growing up, challenging parents was often seen as disrespectful, and little space was made for healthy disagreement. You were acutely aware that you were part of a larger whole, and your actions impacted others and your community.

As a friend of mine shared: “I never really shared my opinions; it was always what my dad or the family wanted. I never really learnt that I too had a voice.”

We have seen in these workshops, that this view reflects the lived experience of many people from collectivist cultures.

Setting boundaries in the workplace

This learned behaviour can extend to the workplace, where people may not challenge what is not working for them and others, and may not even know how to do so with care. In turn, those in authority may resist or even punish dissent, not realising that it is the birthplace of innovation and allows people to feel safe and heard.

Individuals remain silent to keep the peace, feeling their 'no' will not be truly heard or worse, will be rejected. This can lead to ill health as people take on too much.

Burnout, anxiety, depression, disengagement, compromised safety, addiction and even high levels of debt are the results.

Setting boundaries is an act of self-love, but it also fosters personal wellness and safety which ultimately benefits the whole

When we are well, we can protect and care for what matters to us and be there for those we care about. We also become more productive and creative contributors in our family, workplace and community.

As Dr. Jaiya John describes; “Your boundary need not be an angry electric fence that shocks those who touch it. It can be a consistency…that announces, ‘I will be treated sacredly.’”

Ask yourself

Here are some questions to ask yourself when establishing personal boundaries

• Reflecting on your upbringing, how was saying no or challenging others viewed? What are the costs to your well-being of not saying no?
  
• What have you recently said yes to that you should have said no to? What is preventing you from setting a boundary in that area?
  
• How can you start having these difficult conversations with people in your life? Is there room to negotiate? Can you provide an alternative solution when pushing back? Are you prepared for potential consequences?
  
• What will help you stick to your boundary? Can you ask someone close to you for support?

Setting boundaries is hard to do and may well have negative consequences, especially in the short-term. However, the medium-to-long-term benefits of having those tough conversations, will most often result in a happier and healthier life.